The Art of the Breakup, or The Goodbye Song Cycle

Yah, you’ve been there. 

You were seeing this guy and it was fun but now, really, a) there’s someone slightly hotter, b) your ex is back, or c) what was that all about?

So you want to move on. How to tell him? There are several ways to do this. Now that we’re so much more advanced as a society, we talk openly about relationship issues without fear of hurting each other. 

Oh, wait, is this the real world, or Jim’s fantasy of it? 

The weird truth is when guys say, “What do you like?” as a conversation starter, he’s not talking about Whitney’s comeback or which boy is hotter on “Glee.” 

Men will tell you what they like in bed the first time they talk, text, or meet you online, but they still won’t discuss their feelings.

So we end up with the dysfunction wagging that dawg. 

Extensive research has shown (okay, my three years of experience being single) that the following break-up patterns common among your modern homosexuals. (Extra points if you can identify the musical allusions. Number three is a gimme.)

No phone, no call, no text. He ain’t got no damned regrets.

Roger: we met on Match.com and talked or saw each other everyday for a week. Then—radio silence. He didn’t return my phone calls, he didn’t respond to my emails. Really? You can’t say, “one of my other Matches has better hips than you”? Coward. We know each other for a week, you think I’m going to cut myself because you don’t want to marry me? A clue, perhaps the one Roger was looking for: Man up, King of the Road—make a call or send an email.

Take me to a bar with half price imports. Tell me on a Friday, please.

Andrew: Six weeks of dating and spending the night. I actually stayed in your crummy apartment on your mattress on the floor when I have a perfectly cosy, heated home around the corner. Still, after being out of town for a week and not returning my calls (cell phones work in Michigan, right?), you meet me out for a drink. Once the martinis are delivered, you deliver the news. What would Carrie Bradshaw do actually comes to my mind. Put down ten dollars and walk away. You say, “I can pay for the drinks.” Damned right you can. Clue to Andrew: You’re not being kind here. I thought this was a date.

Living in an ethereal world: boys may come and boys may go and that’s all right with me.

Carlos: we’ve taken up all of the modern conveniences. Yea us! We met online and had a couple of dates. But really, we knew it wasn’t working out. NBD. If Carrie was indignant to be dumped on a Post-it, can we really use email? It’s not just Brittany getting divorced by text these days. So if we started off online and didn’t spend a lot of time together, it may be appropriate to write a brief, thoughtful note. Clue to Carlos: let’s not blame each other if I’m not Mr. Right. 

I’ve been on both sides of all of the above, and I prefer option number three. So civilized, so modern. And you can hit “reply” or “delete” at will.